According to one of the many weather sites, there is supposed to be a warming trend this week. I’m ready. I need more outside time. I need to be able to open the windows and let the warm breeze inside and air out the winter mustiness. I need to be able to get outside and enjoy walks that help clear away the cobwebs finding a home inside my head.
Today though, I finally have made a long overdue eye exam. I know I’m going to get lectured, but hey Doc. You aren’t going to do it for free and well, money doesn’t grow on trees. (In government dreams maybe the way they hand it out)
As I write this, I’m sitting here, momentarily relieved of my guard duty over the birds visiting the feeder. I happened to look out earlier and saw two of the three feral cats within a few feet of the feeder working out calculations on how to leap, catch, and destroy. They were not happy of my appearance at the door letting them know they definitely would not like me if they caught one of those birds. Yes, I do know that is a natural instinct for cats, but these are birds I am feeding so it isn’t fair.
I’ve spoken with mom, well, listened to mom. I usually don’t say a lot, I allow her to talk herself out and then move on with the day. I’ve almost finished a pot of coffee,worked through email notifications twice (Y’all are very prolific), annnd started a load of laundry. All in an attempt to distract myself.
While I’ve known this, ever so often it rears its head again and reminds me that when we deal with parts of ourselves we don’t particularly like, it can hurt. When we face things that we know to be true, even when we would rather avoid them, it can hurt. When we have to take that long, hard look at ourselves and examine who we are and where we stand, what we see, can hurt.
I have come to realize that my position, is to be one here for others. I am a listening ear, a comforting shoulder, a reassuring voice–for others. Let me be clear, I do not mind one bit being in that position. I understand that is a gift, and I share it readily when needed.
Back when I worked, I was in a lower management level, but I refused to allow that to prevent me from being there for the people I worked with. If they needed to talk, even a little, I would listen.
My late brother would often tell me that complete strangers would walk up to him all the time and start telling him very personal things. I don’t know if he understood that simply listening without offering advice was most likely all they were looking for at the moment. I’ve dealt with that some, but I’ll never know if it was to the same level.
I’ve sat here for hours talking with people. I do enjoy long conversations from time to time. Though I will admit they leave me needing an equal amount of quiet time to recharge.
Right now though, on what I have seen is National Women’s Day, I am trying to ignore that reflection that I am unhappy with. The reflection that is holding up those shadows of dreams, hopes and wishes that have not come to fruition. I am avoiding the clock and the calendar that shows time passing and accomplishments not happening. I seek solitude so as not to find myself, comparing myself to the accomplishments of others. I do not have a degree, but I am not uneducated. I no longer have employment, but I do work. I do not have people I see every day, but there are those I see when able.
I am not them, I am me. I am not on their level, I am on my own. Their accomplishments are theirs. Mine are no less or no more, they are mine.
The prompt for today was sight. But the mood I am in today, changes it to insight.
Maybe due to residual feelings from yesterday, maybe feelings knowing I may be losing a friend, not to death but to a healed relationship. If so, I wish them only the best, but I will not disrespect another lady by continuing the long conversations we had. Yes, I know that men and women can be friends, but there is a line.
Maybe, maybe, but it has brought me to insightful thinking. It really does make me happy, to see people doing better. It does make me happy, to know that someone’s day has been made at least a little more bright. I do enjoy seeing people smile again, laugh again, live again. Dang empathic nature 😉 And if a little of my heart goes with them as they go, that is okay also. Good feelings, happy moments, kind words, compassionate acts, love does not diminish by sharing. It grows.
I know too, that as a Christian, being there for others, is what we are called to do; https://www.womansday.com/life/inspirational-stories/g30539201/bible-verses-helping-others/ So I will walk in peace, act in kindness and compassion, and reach out in love.
I may ignore that calendar, that mirror, that call checking on me that never comes, but I won’t ignore the difference I see in those who walk away with a little more hope and peace.