I’m sitting here watching one of the feral cats attack a clump of grass in the back yard. I’m not sure what that grass may have done, but the cat is sure teaching it a lesson. One of the other enjoying breakfast on the steps. When I let the dogs outside this morning it didn’t seem as cool as it has the past two but I never checked the actual temperature. While I know it is still early March and anything is yet possible, and our Winter has again been mild, I feel the thaw coming. I saw yesterday there are more daffodils blooming around the yard and trees over at the shopping center are in full bloom.
While I realize we here did not have much of a Winter, the plant life has been in a Winter’s rest, a suspended animation, frozen in time while they await Spring.Many of us, can in a sense, be the same.My mother once told me I was cold, that I don’t feel things as deeply as my brother. No, I feel them, I simply don’t show many of them. Why? Because of all the times I have had my emotions used against me. When that happens enough times, you learn to freeze up and hide those feelings as a method of self protection.
My later husband, even as I loved him dearly, would upset me to the point of tears and then ridicule the tears. A former boss, when he would see me upset over something, would call me into his office to discuss the issue only to turn it around to my fault and then go out laughing with others that he had made me cry. Dealing with that, has dried those tears. The last time I cried, was in his office.
On the opposite side of the emotion, I also didn’t laugh a lot either. I found enjoyment in things, I simply didn’t laugh often.
One day not too long ago my son was up to a bit of silliness and I was laughing at him. He stopped, looked at me and told me that it was good to hear my laughing. Reality check.
I do think, that many of us do this. In a desire and need to protect ourselves, we lock ourselves away. Our emotions, portions of our personality, the who we are, the trust for others, frozen away inside. Protected, but untouched.
Over the course of recent past, as I have mentioned before, I believe the Lord has sent people into my life that has begun the thawing process. I have become more capable of letting go when something doesn’t work. I have become more understanding of others and of myself. People have come into my life and showed me that not everyone is dark and determined to use, abuse and walk away leaving you wounded and alone.I noticed over the course of the past few weeks, I have begun to laugh out loud more. Silly things that I see, the cats outside, comments made, comments shared, friendship given.
The thaw, has begun. It is a gift given, but one I have to accept. I have to be up to the challenge of stepping out and reaching for the warmth that thaws. Yes, there is risk, but in the end, is the results not worth that risk?