I thought I was doing well.I went and helped in the nursery at church this morning. There was only four boys this morning and they were calm for the most part. They cooked pretend food and served each of us, there were three adults in there this morning. They stacked blocks, colored and hid in a corner. You know, boys.
Afterwards there was a baptism. Welcome into the family, sister. I know the angels were singing as you came up from the water.
I came home and wrote the blog about it being the four year anniversary of the death of my husband. Writing it wasn’t a problem. I went back into social media memories as I’ve done all week and added notes to that. Reading it, was if I were reading someone else’s post. I was a bit, detached. Posting that write, I felt fine, as if all were well and nothing was wrong. Then I walked away to do other things.
I’ve been doing okay. I thought I was doing okay.
I wasn’t doing okay. But, maybe, I actually am, doing okay.
Yes, it has been that sort of afternoon. My son had a few rough moments, frustrations and aggravations, and I worked to be a calming voice, even as I wished to hear a calming voice myself.
I sat here staring out the window, sometimes seeing nothing, sometimes watching the feral cats. Once catching the cats as they made preparations to attack unsuspecting birds at the feeder. When I went to prevent that, I managed to step on one of our official cat, Cricket’s paws. I don’t imagine I have to tell you that didn’t go over well. She is still angry with me even after I gave her treats and made sure she was okay.
The thing is, I had no specific thoughts or words that floated through my mind. There were no specific memories, no certain actions, nothing I could pin down to be the main issue that was dragging my mood down.
Nothing more than the date.
Nothing more than dark, wanting to overshadow the light.
First method of combating that, fresh baked brownies. Not just your regular brownies, but brownies with a cookie topping.
Then, I did some reading and studying; https://www.ibelieve.com/faith/bible-verses-about-depression.html
Tomorrow is, Lord willing, another day. Tomorrow I will be past today. Tomorrow, I will be again standing tall and strong. Because I have faced today, endured the emotions that this day brings, and knew where to seek the peace. Spring is coming, next Sunday, time changes again and the days will be longer. I will be able to spend more time outdoors and up on the mountain. And I will realize, that simply getting through days like today, show me my strength and from where it comes.