Day Thirty-eight; Footnotes of Realizations

Earlier today, I came to a realization. A realization that proves how much damage can be done to one who endures mistreatment. Damage that we can do to ourselves if we put restrictions on ourselves and don’t know how to remove them when they are no longer needed. 

A lifetime ago, during the bad marriage, it was vital that I be very careful who I talked to at any given time. There was only so much attention allowed and anything over that brought consequences. Even if the attention was conversations with friends. I was not to be the center of attention…ever. 

When I married my now late husband, I carried that mentality over into our marriage. Then added restrictions of my own. Especially when he became a long haul truck driver.

When he was out there on the road, so far from home for so long, fears would creep into his head. Listening to the horror stories other drivers told about their relationships did not help. Knowing this worried me because I knew he needed to be able to focus on his driving. If he was worried or fearful about what may or may not be going on here at home he could not concentrate on everything required to drive that big truck and carry out his responsibilities. 

So, I began to create my own rules to follow.

I only went certain places. Work, church, grocery shopping and window shopping with mom.
He knew I was involved with an organization that was fighting cancer, but I kept myself somewhat apart. Not because I was better, or less, but apart meant safe. No one could start gossip.

At work I was very careful who I talked with and when. The only men I talked with were those who were responsible for fixing things or had information on orders.

 If I would go into the canteen for break and the only available place to sit was with a man, I would leave the room and go back later.

Even in church, I was careful who I spoke to and when.

I had to make sure that there would be no way that anyone, anywhere could take something innocent and make it into something it wasn’t. I could not risk someone calling him with a lie and upsetting him and possibly causing an accident.

Even after my husband died, I continued all of those restrictions on myself. It had become something so deeply ingrained that I didn’t realize that I was continuing following them.

Until today, until I was writing away and it dawned on me what I had been doing. Now it is up to me to change that and free myself from the restrictions I have been operating under.

So, I’m open for suggestions. How does one break the chains that have been wrapped so tightly for so long? Where, do I find the key to freedom?

Seeking understanding of self, freedom from self imposed prisons, is an uphill climb, but oh that view once you arrive.

About rebecca s revels

A writer, a photographer, a cancer survivor. An adventurer of the mild kind, a lover of the simple pleasures such as long walks and chocolate. A Christian unashamed of my faith and a friend who is dependable and will encourage readily. Author of three self published books with more waiting to find their way to paper. An advocate of good things, a fighter against wrongs.
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1 Response to Day Thirty-eight; Footnotes of Realizations

  1. Rodney bentley says:

    We all make mistakes, you are not immune. However if you continue with the wall you have set up you will miss out on a very important & rewarding part of life. Take a chance, open up a bit, dare to experience real & devoted love

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