Day 366; Footnotes of emotions

  Right before Christmas I put new batteries in six candles. Only one is left working. I had a couple strands of solar lights that I brought inside today. When they came on earlier, one only worked a few moments, the other almost an hour. Then they too were exhausted of their power.

Such is what this year has done to many of us energy and emotion wise. We are exhausted and more than ready to see this year come to an end.  More than once I have heard the words, “I’m just so tired” from someone who I never heard those words from before. I recognize it for what it is, the weariness brought on by depression brought on by the events of this year. No matter where we looked or where we went, the demons that have been a part of this year, were there.

 On March twenty-sixth of this year, I was told I was an essential employee. On March twenty-seventh, I was let go from my job thanks to Covid. To say there was a lot of emotions involved then is an understatement.

I was confused, mainly because I couldn’t get any answers to my questions. One simple answer, would have explained everything. Instead I was left to wonder what happened. As are many of us. We have been told so many versions of where this virus originated, with no proof or verification. Conspiracy theorist have had a field day and then some. While most of us are left standing in the dark searching for a light of understanding and clarity.

 We were told so many different things to do, then not do, oh wait, yes that works after all. Wear facial covering, never mind it doesn’t help, oh wait, yes it does. Social distance, but get outside, just don’t get too close. The information shared by those who should know that kept changing only added to the confusion and stress.

  To say I was angry, I was beyond angry. I felt betrayed. I had given almost thirty years of my life to a place that seemed to just toss me aside without concern. Told I would be called back, only to be told months later that wasn’t happening. I was left standing in a field filled with lies and misinformation. I had lost a job I thought I would work until I retired but a virus took that from me. 

To say I was depressed, is truth. I had placed way too much importance in that position. I let a job define me. Now it was taken from me. Cast adrift and lost, I wasn’t sure which way to go, what to do, or how to even care. 

There is also a certain amount of fear. Afraid of getting sick since I lost my health insurance. Afraid of not having enough money to pay bills or cover needs. Fearful for my family and friends. Afraid that I might somehow be the cause of someone getting sick.

And I know, I was not alone. We have become a populace who have faced so much, struggled with so much, that we are beyond weary. We have been worn down physically, mentally, emotionally. I have tried to be here, as many others have, for our friends. We try to be strong for them, to hear the words they say, and the ones they don’t over this.  When I hear the person telling me, “I’m so very tired” their exhaustion is not only heard but felt.

 We are all so very tired. Tired of a virus that won’t end. Tired of losing loved ones. Tired of seeing everything around us falling apart. Tired of those elected officials arguing among themselves, caring more for people and things other than the ones who put them in the office they hold. We are tired of going hungry, tired of being kept apart, tired of the fear.

It has been a nightmare year that stole so much from us. But it has been a year that showed us things as well.

When they were needed the most, people stood up and showed up. We have taken care of each other as much as we have been able, in every way imaginable. We have showed compassion, where it may not have been shown before. At least not to this degree.We have learned, just how strong and capable we are. Inventing ways to survive, not just survive in some cases but to thrive.

Personally, I look back to the day I was set adrift from what I felt was the anchor of my life. I was drifting on a current that was taking me somewhere, but I had no idea where. Now, nine months later, I can look back and see how far I have come, and how much I have grown. While there are still emotions, they have evolved into an appreciation of the growth that has taken place. I am not the person I was nine months ago. I am better.

I believe, that when we all began to see through that fog of emotions, we will realize that we all have grown, changed, evolved from the people we were when this began. In a few hours it will be New Year’s Eve, we will be counting down the final hours of this year, and toward the new. Hopefully, prayerfully, we will be leaving behind the sad, the anger, the negative emotions, and turn to face a more positive future. I think, from what I have witnessed, with determination and will, we can create  better. Physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually.

I believe that. I feel it even more.

This year has been a constant climb as we attempt to escape the emotions and events seeking to drag us down.

About rebecca s revels

A writer, a photographer, a cancer survivor. An adventurer of the mild kind, a lover of the simple pleasures such as long walks and chocolate. A Christian unashamed of my faith and a friend who is dependable and will encourage readily. Author of three self published books with more waiting to find their way to paper. An advocate of good things, a fighter against wrongs.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.