Day 311–Battling the Inner Turmoil

 I think, I am slowly going out of my ever loving mind. Those inner voices in my head trying to tell me what I ought to do just need to hush and set down. Preferably far away. I have reached a point, where I have to make a decision. I have put it off long, no, too long.

Do I find a job and go back to work?

I have worked a paid job, since I was sixteen years old. I went to work in a textile plant that was a finishing plant for hosiery. We formed them, folded and packaged, then packed and shipped. The first year, I was on a team doing a special order. If it had been production, I would have made a killing. Over the course of time I have worked in various manufacturing plants locally. When I lived out of state I worked for a while in the deli of a grocery store, I worked in a restaurant, and then as receptionist in a small custom cabinet shop. I have worked, always. 

My last job, the one I lost due to Covid, I was mere months away from it being a thirty year career. I missed very little time, shoot, even when I was battling cancer I only missed two days. The day of and the day after surgery. For the radiation treatments I went in to work fifteen minutes early so I could leave fifteen minutes early. I worked every hour I could work. Over time? I’m there. Seven day weeks? I’ve done that. My official job was first shift lead. What did that entail? Doing anything and everything I could to make sure the shift ran efficiently and with as few issues as possible. I kept an eye on quality and quantity. I ran the floor, I ran machines, I fixed machines, I packed the product and moved boxes that weighed more than I do.
 All of my life, I had been told, if you are going to have a job, you need to work that job. The company depends on you being there, unless you are sick. Working has helped keep me active, helped keep me healthy, both physically and mentally. Working has of course helped pay the bills and keep us fed, warm and entertained. Plus there was health insurance.

Its been a little over seven months since I’ve worked. At first I didn’t know how to act. I stayed very busy, to the point of near physical exhaustion. I didn’t look for another job because I had been told when things picked up I would be called back. Its been a little over seven months.

Do I go ahead and just retire?

I’m sixty-three. I can should I choose. It would be early, it would mean smaller checks. But I think I could manage.I had been bouncing back and forth and around in circles about this for a while now. The part of me that has always worked, thinking it wanted to return. The other part, so very glad I could be here during all this pandemic mess for mom and dad. The extra unemployment while it lasted helped. Now, the check is very small, but still doable. 

I did talk with a lady one day recently. She was telling me about a possible job. It wasn’t open yet, but if I were interested when it was, then we could talk. I asked a few questions, she told me things that I didn’t ask. I was curious and interested. The go back to work voice doing some weird happy dance in my head. Then I mentioned it to mom. At first she seemed okay with it. She didn’t really comment or react very much to the news. Today, as I drove her to the bank and helped with her transaction she was quiet. As we pulled away and began the drive home, I got the honest response to the news. In near tears, “I don’t know what I’m going to do if you go back to work.” My heart sank and the retire voice out of respect, did not dance. It too, heard that pain. 

The plus side of retiring, I would still have all this free time I’ve grown accustomed to having. I don’t travel a lot or eat out a lot, and I absolutely am not high maintenance, so I don’t need an enormous amount of money.I would be here for my folks and could keep my yard from returning to the wild jungle that it was.

I would still have uninterrupted time to work on that project. The manuscript of my heart. It makes me very tempted to upgrade my site to where I could add a donate button but my blog is still new and followers few. I’m debating on whether it would be worth it. I’m not sure many would be willing to back the book so I could be here for my folks. And yes, they are elderly. Mom is eighty-five and dad, ninety-one. I really want to be here for them, but I do like having lights and eating.

So I deal with the inner turmoil. Will I be the responsible, working, productive adult? Will I be the “I’ve done my time” now its time to be here for my parents? But mom’s voice.

Its a long, weird, road to making that decision.