I heard it the moment I awoke. That undeniable sound of rain. A sound that would have been comforting and lulled me back to sleep but for one thing. The wind. I could hear the sound that haunts me in my nightmares. Strong wind through tall Oak trees. The fears that I can’t deny, shoving me from the bed and into action.
Normally when I get up in the morning, I drag about, taking my time doing any thing and everything. Not having a set schedule has created a bit of a monster. I have not spent an entire day in pajamas, but it has been well up in the day before I changed.
Not today, today the storm had me moving like I haven’t done in months. I was up, dressed and had coffee on in minutes. I managed with effort to get my dogs to go outside. I have a covered porch, the yard is fenced, they are safe out there but the falling rain being blown onto the porch made them less than happy. I prepared my breakfast and even managed to get it eaten before mom called.
Right in the middle of her telling me something, the world went dark and quiet. Except for the wind.A check with the power company’s web site showed a map of the outage and told they had no idea at the moment when it would be restored. I prepared for a long stretch of wind watching through the windows.
When it quickly became obvious that my dogs were very unhappy and Molly terrified, I let them back inside. Bella settled comfortably and went to sleep. Molly paced, Molly tried to hide under my desk. Molly sat staring through the storm door, growling and barking at the wind. Repeatedly trying to leave this room and find somewhere in another part of the house to hide.
As I sat here, unable to add to my manuscript, I decided to start looking up information I want to add, in the hopes it is a valuable contribution to the sections. All the while, I am alternating between watching the wind, listening to what was falling onto the roof and having flashbacks to 1989 and Hurricane Hugo. While this far inland the strength of that storm was not as it was when it first came inland, it was still deadly. My son was eight months old. I paced a dark house all night listening to the maniacal sounding winds, howling around the house. The sound of trees falling, but not knowing where in the dark. I wore a path in the carpet going from the front door to my son’s bedroom. Morning’s light showed thirteen trees down all around the house. Three were lodged in other trees, the only thing keeping them from striking the house. Thank you God, for protection.
As I sat here this morning, watching, listening, trying to calm a terrified dog, I tried to calm my own fears. I opened one of my books and began to take notes. The distraction helped. The fact I had coffee in a thermos, helped. As time has passed, seeing the time lengthening between wind gusts has helped. I know it isn’t over, but its better. I’m better.As I thought of Hugo and how we were protected, I felt more calm. As I searched and read through Bible verses, my fears eased. When my fears were reaching a heightened level, my son came in for lunch, even though I had sent him a message telling him there was no power. His presence helped.
A distraction from outside forces. A chance to ponder on what was going on. Power outages, hurricanes, earthquakes, riots, pandemic, all can distract us from our peace. All can send up into a place of fear. All can stop or at least delay our actions. Fear can if allowed, have us hiding inside, doors locked and shades drawn, while we tremble and hope for better. Hugo was thirty-one years ago. It caused a lot of destruction, power was out in places for weeks. But it was thirty-one years ago. A lot of the mistakes in my life that I allow to haunt me, were longer ago than that. I have been my own worst enemy. Its time for that to stop.
“As far as the east is from the west; So far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12
“I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.” Hebrews 8:12
Since the Lord forgives me, who am I, to not accept that and forgive myself?
I’m sitting here now, four hours from when it went off, the power restored, the winds much less than what they were, and the sun is shining through the breaks in the clouds. I am sitting here, understanding once more, that interruptions in our plans have purpose. I had time, to consider what has been bothering me for a very long time. I can take that guilt that I have clung to, and toss it into the wind to be blown away. As my Lord has done for my transgressions.