Hello Self. So it happened again didn’t it? Are you okay? Of course you are. Do you want to discuss this? Of course you don’t, but lets do it anyway. Let’s figure this out together.
Step one, you made a friend. Over the course of time you discovered many things you had in common. Your friendship and conversations were limited to text messages. Quick words of encouragement for each other.
Step two, you actually made the call. Shaking and nervous, but determined. You were not a coward, afraid to talk with someone. Quickly you discovered the connection you had in text messages was even stronger in those real talk to each other conversations. You had those long, deep, conversations that you crave. Conversations that lasted through the day. You could discuss anything and everything from all angles.
Step three, you realized that there were times, when quiet was needed and given. The quiet times, seemed long when in fact they were brief.
Then suddenly, for what ever reason, silence. It happened again. I say again as in the fourth time. Is there an explanation?Why can one not stand up and say, this isn’t working any longer. There has been a change. I’m all talked out. I have found another that would not understand our friendship. There has to be a reason, why can they not show a moment of respect and maturity and say adios?
I am a widow who had not dated since my marriage, a widow who had not dated in the near four years since my husband’s death. This is all new to me. Trying to figure our the right words, the right actions, the things to not do or say is confusing and frustrating. Trying to remain true to myself and my standards was not difficult, but made it a challenge. People cannot understand why I’m in no hurry for intimacy. I want more. I want conversations, understanding, comradery, a connection. Something I thought, even in friendship, that had been found.
Then, I find that I was wrong. Again. But, I also discovered something else. With each incident, I have grown and matured. The silence is deafening. The silence painful. The silence, one more reminder of being alone. The silence, a lesson in growth.
I sat here today, working on my writing project, watching some television. and adjusting to the silence. For everyone who has left, I wish them only the very best. I pray for their happiness. In the silence, I found a peace. I would not want anyone to speak to me, who has no desire, I will not beg for attention. To stand strong, breathing deep and calmly, I accept what is as I mourn what was.
Life changes. People come and they go. No matter what the relationship, when one leaves, there is pain. To be able to handle it in peace and calm, to smile gently and wish them only the best, proves that I am growing. I do understand that when one walks out the door without looking back, they are making room for the next one to come along.
Life changes. Situations change. People change. To be able to watch them go and wish them only well, shows how feelings are more under control. Growth is happening. With all the changes, feelings are important, it proves we are alive and feel, but to have control and act in maturity, shows just how far we have grown.
And self? I’m proud of you. Just so you know.