Its Autumn in the Carolinas, very cool in the morning and warming up nicely in the afternoon, but once the sun goes down, so does that temperature. But, all in all, today was a glorious day. I managed to spend the better part of the day outside. I did about half of my steps around my thinking circle, and then I took a nice hike through the woods behind the house.
I walked down and around the pond, enjoying the warmth of the sun and watching the occasional breeze create slight ripples across the water’s surface. I stopped at various points on the way around and just soaked in the peace that the water and the quiet offered. When I walked away from the pond I fully intended to take my usual route, but instead I followed the small creek that crosses the woods. Listening to the sounds of the water, listening to the birds and insects and the sound of the leaves crunching underfoot. When I left the woods and stepped out into the sunlight I wished I had a pair of sunglasses with me it was such a difference. Home again I spent the afternoon having some good conversations, when it got to be around six p.m. I decided I was going to have a small bonfire in the back yard. I gathered up some wood, prepared a cup of coffee and lit the fire. I sat out there for almost three hours. I had my phone, but rarely looked at it.
While it was a glorious, peaceful, successful day, there is one problem with all that time of contemplation. Your mind can play terrible tricks on you, creating feelings that are false and ideas that are not true. Social media sites can do the same.
Its very easy when you are spending time alone to have all the wrong thoughts come into your head. I’m alone because, I’m ugly, I’m not smart, I’m not worthy, I’m unwanted, I’m not a good friend…..you name it, those thoughts can slip in. Maybe unnoticed at first but the whispers come. After a while, you start to hear and may even start to believe.
I’ve been a widow for over three and a half years. In all that time, the closest I came to a date was meeting someone for coffee twice, but nothing since. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am meant to have this alone time for me. I am being allowed this time, to move beyond all the negative and seek the positive. I am being allowed the time to recover the strength and capability that I lost somewhere back there. I am being allowed to return to and yet seek out the better, stronger, more capable me. Being alone is a time for healing. Until we are healed, and become the person we are fully capable of and meant to be, then what we try to make work, won’t.
I sat out back watching that fire burn, the sad, lonely feeling trying to creep in, but I pushed it aside. I’m better than that. I’m better and stronger than that. As the fire died down and the last sparks danced upward into the night, I felt another piece of my heart, grow stronger. So I won’t say that there won’t be times when I get lonely and wish that things were different, but I do believe that the time I spent in contemplation today, was positive time. I know that instead of sadness that tried to insert itself, instead, I am content.